Re: Official Prank Policy
by lostlikeme
Summary: Dwight ends up a little loopy after a prank gone overboard. Pam offers her boobs to make it all better.


Dwight is seeing double by the time Pam and Jim find him stumbling around the stairwell. It's just after five o'clock but the workday has been a blur since breakfast. "You did this to me," Dwight slurs. He tries pointing to one of the blurry figures but trips over his own feet instead.

Jim is quick to catch his weight. "Nope," he reminds him, eyes wide. "You did this to you."

"Pam, don't believe a word he says." Dwight lowers his voice to a whisper. She looks very attractive even with two heads. "I've been drugged," he confesses, while trying to clasp a hand on her shoulder.

They work their way to the ground floor one step at a time until Jim drops him into a plastic chair by the exit. "He drugged himself," he wheezes in explanation. Pam gives him a lingering look and Jim shrugs. "It may be part of an escalating prank type situation."

Dwight stares at where Jim's hand is still resting on his thigh. "I'm a real man, Jim," he explains with a sneer. He widens his legs and Jim retracts his hand like he's been burned.

Jim's voice is hoarse. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Dwight sizes him up with a laugh. "Don't think just because I'm drugged you can have your way with me," he spits. He lurches forward and grabs for the door to regain his balance.

Jim presses his lips into a flat line. "Okay," he says shortly. "See you tomorrow."

"But I can't drive," Dwight complains, sinking to the floor. His center of gravity keeps shifting and his arms and legs feel twice as heavy. He clings to Jim's ankle. "Or operate heavy machinery."

"Well that rules out sleeping."

Jim tries to shake him off without success. Pam chews her lip. The evening is passing by and they still haven't left Dunder-Mifflin.

"We can't just leave him like this!" Pam gestures to his disheveled state.

His shirt buttons are misaligned, one of his shoes is barely on, and his glasses are askew. He's looked worse.

Jim tilts his head. "Sure we can."

"He could hurt himself," Pam says, uncrossing her arms. "Or someone else!"

"False. I am indestructible. I do not require assistance."

To prove his point Dwight tries to stand and ends up smacking his face against the door. Pam gives Jim _the look_.

"We're partially responsible," her voice cracks. "If it wasn't for our prank, this wouldn't have happened."

"Fine," Jim concedes. "But he's sleeping on the couch."

Pam rolls her eyes. "Duh!"

The security guard watches with a raised eyebrow as they struggle to usher Dwight into the parking lot. The sky is overcast and there's a chill in the air. Dwight can barely make the distance between the building and the car, much less discern the weather.

"C'mon," Jim huffs. He pulls open the door to the backseat and Dwight sways on his feet. "Please just get in the car."

Dwight tries to pull away and skins his arm on the asphalt. "You won't take me alive!"

Pam's cheeks are turning pink. No one has eaten since lunch and they all have work in the morning. Jim tightens his jaw. "We just want to help," she reminds him.

"I don't need your help!" Dwight frowns. "You're the enemy."

"What?" Pam teases him. "Me and you?" She smiles. "We're friends."

Dwight pouts, but considers her point. "You and Jim are married."

"Well, that's true," she admits. It starts to drizzle so she pulls up the hood of her raincoat. Dwight can smell her when she leans in close. "But if you go home with us right now I'll let you touch my boobs."

Jim sounds scandalized from behind her. "Pam!"

Jim gapes, caught between the two of them.

"What?" Pam says with a shrug. "I thought I could use my...sex appeal."

Jim inclines his head. "Did it work?"

"This isn't the first I've thought about this…" Dwight takes a deep breath. "But only if Jim allows it. Since he's the man in the relationship, it's his responsibility to-"

"Fine!" Jim rubs the bridge of his nose. "I'll allow it. Just this once."

"How many?" Dwight demands.

Jim looks like he's been asked to dismantle a bomb. "How many what?"

"How many seconds?" Dwight clarifies with increased urgency.

"Thirty?" Pam blurts.

"Done!"

Dwight flails around, catches himself, and plants two hands on Pam's chest. He squeezes her breasts thoughtfully and licks his lips. "Nice boobs." He looks at Jim sideways. "Good job Jim. She's a great woman." He follows the curve with his thumb, disrupting the fabric of her blouse in his eagerness. "Gonna make a wonderful mother with those sizeable milk jugs."

Jim swallows awkwardly while Dwight gropes Pam in front of him. "Alright, that's enough. Everybody get in the car." He tries to catch his breath. "We're all going home."

He shuts the door after Dwight and turns the air conditioner on full blast as soon as he slides into the driver's seat. Dwight grins, silent for only a moment after they start up the car.

"So what exactly was in that jello anyway?"


End file.
